Fair Trade Ch 60 - Promise of Distance

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Xinhua had taken off to continue preparations and Lingyao had shown up so the doctor was talking with her downstairs. She sounded quite eager to help when he told her at first but it’s been quiet since. She was taking in the necessary knowledge very diligently. It left Xueye with Yushi and Jinse in a rather contented silence.

When Xueye started cleaning up but before he could get too far into it, Jinse snatched the bowl he was holding. When Xueye looked up at him with a pout Jinse silently nodded towards Yushi. Xueye glanced over to see Yushi was practically drifting off in his seat.

“Try and convince him to get some rest of his own,” Jinse whispered. “I’m guessing he didn’t get much sleep.” Jinse said with a smirk, pretending he wasn’t the reason for it in the slightest.

“Right,” Xueye’s smile was filled with worry as he drifted over. Xueye’s voice was soft and gentle as he called to him, “Shujing? You really should go rest, you know.” He reached out and rested his hand on Yushi’s head. Yushi blinked up at him blearily. Xueye smiled sweetly, it was a little endearing to see him so dazed. “You must be so worn out with this rain and those injuries. Please go get some rest, else I’ll worry about you while I’m gone.”

“No, ‘m fine…” Yushi mumbled, sitting up straight. He didn’t realize just how content he was getting in the brief quiet. Xueye reached out again and placed the back of his palm against Yushi’s forehead. Yushi closed his eyes at the contact and almost felt like he would fall asleep again.

“A little warm but I know you run warm anyway.” Xueye mused softly. The lovely voice Yushi adored so dearly was practically lulling him back to sleep. “No where near as bad as last time. Still, you seem so tired.”

“But, I want to spend more time with you…” Yushi yawned, wrapping his fingers gently around Xueye’s wrist as the young man’s hand lingered on his cheek. “You’re leaving tomorrow…”

“It won’t be forever, just for a short while,” Xueye’s voice was just so sweet and alluring in its own way. Yushi really would do anything for that voice, even if it wasn’t what he wanted in that moment. So when his gentle plea came again, he was too weak to resist, “Please, go home and rest so you can see me off if you have the time.”

“I’ll make the time,” Yushi sighed heavily, grabbing his hand before it tried to pull too far away. He pressed his lips against Xueye’s palm, reveling in the stunned flushed face and the faint growl he heard from Jinse glaring at them in the kitchen. He was starting to understand the appeal as to why Jinse did this to him before. It was satisfying in so many ways.

He rose up slowly with a groan as all the sore muscles and bruises strained. As much of a temptation it was to try and stay and fall asleep to Xueye’s voice there was still a faint anxiety of what happened this morning would happen again. He didn’t want to be anywhere near Xueye should it happen again.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Snowdrop,” Yushi smiled fondly at Xueye as the young man struggled to compose himself.

“Y-yeah…” Xueye felt like his head was spinning at the sheer amount of heat he was feeling. He so desperately wanted to peel off the mantle right then but he was just frozen in place even if he was melting away.

It was one thing coming from Jinse when he did it all the time and not just to Xueye. From Jinse it was usually expected, even if it still flustered him. Yushi hadn’t done anything like that at all in the time he’s known him. In fact, Yushi was so stunned by Xueye’s clingy nature at first. Xueye figured like most of Meihua’s people he was used to the distance, and perhaps a little touch starved. When Yushi didn’t rebuff him and in fact started seeking out the little bit of contact it did make Xueye happy. Even with the small embraces and close proximity, Xueye never expected this affectionate gesture from him.

“What a pest,” Jinse grumbled from next to Xueye. Xueye snapped out of his daze realizing Yushi slipped away already. Xueye hadn’t even heard Jinse move near him, he was so lost in thought.

“You do that sort of thing all the time. Is it really so strange?” Xueye closed his hand and held it against his chest, like it was another gift he was given.

“So you just let any man kiss you like that, huh?” Jinse said a little more harshly than he intended it to. He flinched back at his own words more than Xueye did. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be saying things like that…” Jinse moved over to the fire and sat down. That desire to keep Xueye all to himself was growing more than he expected. Even with what Xinhua mentioned about Jinse’s usual polyamorus trysts, he wasn’t entirely sure it was possible to have that with Xueye should he want it. He also hated the idea of making Xueye to agonize over a choice. At the very least he would have to think about it a while longer to adapt to the idea.

“Jinse…” Xueye’s voice was small as he stood nearby. It hurt Jinse to hear him sound so timid. This wasn’t supposed to happen, Jinse was supposed to keep him happy not upset him.

“Please, forgive me, Xueye. That came out harsher than I meant it to.” Jinse looked up at him with the most pathetic expression that Xueye had ever seen Jinse with.

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Xueye said with a gentle smile. He came over and sat next to Jinse after shedding his mantle. “You’re worried about me. You always have been. You’re afraid I’m going to get hurt again, aren’t you?”

“Always…” Jinse leaned his head against Xueye’s shoulder. “You mean so much to me, but you never understand just how much and I can never express it right.”

Xueye’s eyes widened. Perhaps he did understand. It was certainly a part of why he wasn’t ready to pay Yushi’s price. Xueye was always in denial like Yushi said. When he considered that Jinse always said that he meant every word he said to Xueye it made sense why Jinse was so conflicted. Deep down Xueye knew but doubt and hesitation always won out. He realized Xinhua’s questioning about how if they both loved him made much more sense now looking back. It wasn’t a hypothetical, it was a warning and he was too ignorant to see it back then, however even now he was at such a loss on how to deal with such a situation.

“No, you’ve been quite clear,” Xueye sighed. “I’m just not ready yet…”

Jinse’s eyes widened, he slowly drew back and stared at Xueye in disbelief. He never expected Xueye to ever be the one to say anything about it. Jinse always thought one day, he would get tired of waiting for Xueye to realize and he would have to spell it out for him.

“You understand?” Jinse searched those confused lavender eyes. It wasn’t the usual confusion he’d seen in the past. There wasn’t a lack of comprehension over the matter but rather an indecisiveness about what to do now that there was clarity. Jinse bit his lip and glanced away. “What a terrible time for this. You shouldn’t be dealing with conflicting thoughts like this.”

“I think you are getting more upset over this revelation of mine than I am,” Xueye closed his eyes, his smile coming out conflicted. “Shujing said he knew I wasn’t ready for something and I understand what as much as why. It makes sense why I could never bring myself to accept your true intentions behind your words. Something is missing still, I don’t have all the pieces. As much as I don’t want to be apart from either of you right now, I hope during that time apart will help me find those missing pieces. After all, I'm going back to where my heart shattered in the first place.” His last sentence came out a little broken.

“Xueye…” Jinse wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. He could feel Xueye trembling and he felt cold once more. Jinse pulled the mantle over Xueye’s back without letting go. Jinse felt the worst guilt for making him think like this. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, I’m glad you did,” Xueye whispered. “It helped me find one more missing piece. I can’t promise either of you anything just yet. I care so much about you both and I can’t lose either of you.”

“You’ll never lose me,” Jinse hated hearing Xueye’s voice shake as much as his body. It was always so smooth and sweet. “No matter what you do I will always be here for you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you either…” Xueye clutched onto Jinse’s robes tightly.

Jinse didn’t know what to say after that. They remained there for a bit, silent, save for the crackle of fire and the faint sounds of Dr.Jingji’s and Lingyao’s voices occasionally drifting up the stairs. Xueye relaxed further into Jinse’s hold, trying to pull out of this dangerous thought spiral and just be. Focusing on the warmth Jinse and the mantle emitted. Synchronising his breath with Jinse’s breathing, calm was quickly returning.

“I don’t need any promises or answers anytime soon, okay?” Jinse voiced softly as he gently stroked Xueye’s hair. “Just knowing that you understand is more than enough for me. Just don’t bring it up to him just yet. Not that I want to lord it over him, but I suspect he’ll go crazy while you’re gone.”

“Speaking from experience?” Xueye looked up at him with the smallest smile. He was tired again. Jinse was starting to realize that this spirit must be reacting to his negative outbursts and sapping away his energy. 

“I’m used to waiting for you,” Jinse smiled meekly. He did suspect he would go a little insane as he waited with the knowledge that Xueye didn’t consider his flirtations as much of a joke anymore, but Xueye didn’t reject him outright. Granted he didn’t know what Jinse was just yet either but Xueye had enough on his plate to deal with. That could come later provided Jinse ever got up the courage to tell him.

Jinse started rubbing his hand up and down Xueye’s back. He slowly instilled Xueye with a little of his qi to hopefully replenish what was eaten away. He could almost sense the spirit shrinking back in reaction. He would have to let Wuye know, in case something worsened enroute, though he suspected Wuye already knew. It very likely was the one thing Wuye could do to keep Xueye from dying like he mentioned before.

“I know it’s a bit much to ask, but would you like me to help you pack? You seem tired after that,” Jinse asked in the gentlest tone.

“Don’t you have other matters to attend to?” Xueye looked up at him, a little conflicted. He understood Jinse’s hesitation and while a part of him shared it, another part of him did want to savor a little more time with him before he left. “As long as you aren’t busy, I at least wouldn’t mind the company.”

“Nothing is more important to me than helping you right now,” Jinse said with a warm smile. “Don’t worry, Hu Ning told me this morning that she has everything covered.”

“Let’s go after my brother gets up,” Xueye smiled tenderly, resting his head against Jinse’s chest once more. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to catch him tomorrow.”

“He may not be here either,” Jinse nodded.

“Yeah, I thought that as well,” Xueye stated solemnly.

Jinse heard a faint shifting from behind the closed door to Qingkong’s room. Fortunately they didn’t have to wait too long for him to get up. The faintest shuffle and the door was opened.

“Gege?” Qingkong’s eyes widened, all the drowsiness seemed to fade away rather quickly. He still moved rather slowly to sit next to Xueye. “You’re still here?”

“Yes,” Xueye sat up, pulling the mantle a little more securely around himself. “I wanted to see you before I head out.”

Jinse got up and moved to reheat the remaining congee for Qingkong. He wanted to give them their time to chat as well, even if he could hear everything, they didn’t need to know that.

“Are you heading to Vual soon?” Qingkong asked, surprising Xueye that he was aware already. “Sorry, I pried the doctor a little last night when he told me you were sleeping here. He didn’t say much about what was wrong with you, just that the remedy could only be found there. He said he was considering going and I kept telling him that he should.”

“I see,” Xueye should have known that Qingkong would pester the doctor for more details. “We will be leaving tomorrow, most likely. Jiejie will let everyone know later today exactly when, so she’ll certainly be back here later. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to see you again before we do.”

“It’s okay,” Qingkong’s gentle smile was reassuring. “I just hope you find what you need soon.”

“As do I,” Xueye wrapped his arms around his brother. “I’ll be sure to tell you all about it when I get back.”

“You better!” Qingkong giggled, however he started coughing as a result. Xueye loosened his hold on him to give him more room to breathe but he didn’t go far. Jinse swept in with a cup of water in hand. When the coughing fit settled a little more Qingkong took it gratefully.

“Qingkong?!” The doctor had rushed up the stairs once he heard the coughing. He knelt in front of him, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just laughed a little too much,” Qingkong smiled meekly.

“Lingyao, could you-?” Dr. Jingji was interrupted.

“On it!” Lingyao said quickly with a nod before she dashed back downstairs for one of the remedies they just discussed.

“She’ll get you something that will help,” Dr.Jingji smiled but his worry was still obvious.

“Please don’t let this make you stay, you know it sometimes happens when I just get up,” Qingkong urged gently. “I still think you should go with my brother.”

“I will be,” Dr.Jingji sighed reluctantly. “Lingyao will treat you while I’m away and Xinhua is asking Lady Guangming if you could stay with her. I doubt she’ll pass it up.”

“There’s no need for that, I can just go home,” Qingkong stated.

“No,” Dr.Jingji shook his head. He suspected Qingkong would suggest that but there was no way he would allow it given the fact that Lord Meigui was poisoning him. “You are still adjusting to your new treatment, and if there’s something Lingyao doesn’t understand, the palace physicians might be able to assist. They should have the same herbs if there is anything she needs in a pinch. It would all be much closer than your home.”

“I guess that does make sense,” Qingkong tilted his head as he thought about it. He was excited about the idea of meeting Shizhe.

“Shizhe will be quite delighted to have another Meigui around while Xinhua is gone,” Xueye giggled, considering she latched onto him while Xinhua was away. “It is how she and I became friends after all.”

“I’ll do my best to keep her company for you both then,” Qingkong beamed.

“I know you will,” Xueye smiled warmly, gently patting Qingkong’s head. “As much as I’d like to stay longer, I think it’s best to head home and pack a bag.”

“I’ll let Xinhua know when she returns,” Dr.Jingji nodded. “Will you be staying there for the night?”

“I was thinking about it,” Xueye’s expression shifted to worry. “Should I not?”

“I just worry about you being alone while this is going on,” Dr.Jingji reached his hand out as if to ask for Xueye’s hand. Xueye placed his hand palm up in his and Dr.Jingji checked his pulse, but he was more trying to gauge if he was cold to the touch. He wasn’t as cold as yesterday but he wasn’t fully warm. He couldn’t help but worry.

“He won’t be alone,” Jinse stated plainly. He knew the doctor couldn’t have slept much watching over Xueye and Jinse didn’t really need sleep these days. It’s been that way for a long time. He usually just chose to in order to pass the time. “If you are going with them then you should get a good night’s sleep, Doctor.”

“Are you alright with that?” Dr.Jingji had felt Xueye tense briefly in his hand.

Xueye looked up at Jinse who looked a little worried he was overstepping by volunteering. He was just the best option but he also didn’t want to make Xueye feel uncomfortable, given what they just spoke about. Jinse would have to behave himself.

“I’d appreciate it actually,” Xueye’s thoughtful expression melted away into something softer and endearing. Jinse found himself letting out a breath in relief that he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Well, go on then,” Qingkong said with a bright smile as he nudged Xueye with his elbow.

“Right,” Xueye let out a breathy laugh. He wrapped his arms around Qingkong once more. “Take care, alright.”

“I’ll be fine,” Qingkong reassured. “You better come back feeling fine as well.”

“That’s the plan,” Xueye was uncertain if they would find a solution but he was feeling a little more hopeful now.

Xueye gathered up his old clothing and the charm that Wuye gave him to help him sleep and set off with Jinse.

“I’m actually a little surprised you wanted me to stay with you tonight,” Jinse said a little nervously as he held the umbrella over both of them. “I kind of just spoke up without thinking it through.”

“I could tell,” Xueye giggled. “Your face said it all.”

“I must be slipping if I’m letting you read me like a book,” Jinse sighed.

“Don’t be like that,” Xueye tightened his hold on Jinse’s arm. “I like being able to for once. You don’t usually make it so easy.”

“Sorry…” Jinse realized that was part why Xueye never really picked up on his affection when he always played it off as playful teasing. Jinse knew the other part was his actions and all his lovers in the past.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Xueye rested his head on Jinse’s shoulder as they walked. “I know full well what it’s like to hide behind a mask. To be someone others expect you to be or you think they want.”

“Careful, Xueye,” Jinse worried about that line of thought bringing that spirit back to the surface.

“I’m fine!” Xueye understood his concerns but Xueye didn’t feel as broken up about it as he used to so as long as he didn’t dwell on those days, he actually felt fine. “I have people that want me for me, so if anything I feel a little foolish for acting like that for so long.”

“I guess it is a little foolish, now that you mention it,” Jinse let out a breath, a little amused that he was hearing this from Xueye of all people. “I can’t guarantee I will be like this all the time, but I’ve been trying to be better. Especially, being around you, because you deserve to know the truth…” Jinse had to tell Xueye what he was eventually, but not while he was afflicted by this spirit. If it did scare Xueye, it could kill him. Jinse wanted to avoid it as much as possible anyways, he just wasn’t ready for the possibility Xueye might reject him over it, even if he knew it was incredibly unlikely.

“You are doing what you can, that’s what matters,” Xueye smiled up at him. It was such a precious sight it practically made Jinse melt. He really did hope that smile would stay after he did eventually tell him. “I’m not asking you to be perfect or tell me all your secrets. Just so long as you are comfortable around me.”

“You are the one person I feel perfectly comfortable around,” Jinse chuckled softly, his eyes filled with affection.

“I’m glad,” Xueye giggled softly at the bubbly feeling such a statement filled him with.

Returning home was relaxing for Xueye. He rarely felt that way coming home alone. Xueye hadn’t realized just how much he enjoyed sharing a space with others until recently. It had been far too long since he had anyone stay with him, before staying with Shujing it was not since he was in Vual. Besides, being alone he was more likely to break down to his negative thoughts and succumb to the cold. Having someone he felt comfortable with around helped quiet the noise that usually plagued his mind in isolation.

“Make yourself at home,” Xueye said with a chipper tone.

“You’re awfully happy,” Jinse couldn’t help but smile. “Especially, given your circumstances. I have to say it’s a little surprising.”

“Why shouldn’t I be happy to have you over?” Xueye giggled. “Being around you I’ve always been able to forget my problems for a while. Well, if I’m not telling you about them that is.”

“Save that for another time then,” Jinse chuckled softly. It was then he noticed the jar of wine he’d left here when he was worried over Xueye’s health yesterday. He picked it up and shook it a little, “Sorry, I forgot to bring this with us. It probably would have helped to keep you warm.”

“Probably can’t have too terribly much tonight myself, but I’m not opposed to a cup or two later,” Xueye reached out and took it as he started drifting towards the kitchen. “You can have as much as you like since you never seem to have a hangover.”

“Pretty immune to them,” Jinse smirked. He almost never experienced hangovers in what felt like centuries. In fact, Jinse couldn’t recall the last time he had one at all. It was definitely not over the duration of guarding the Meigui Family.

“Must be nice,” Xueye set down the wine on the counter. “Would have much preferred to not have that yesterday, as well.”

“Then perhaps you best not risk it at all tomorrow,” Jinse grabbed the wine again, placing it onto an upper shelf. “We can break into it when you return. I haven’t been drinking much at all lately anyways.”

“Are you actually quitting?” Xueye raised an eyebrow.

“Do you want me to?” Jinse asked coyly.

“And lose my one drinking buddy?” Xueye smirked. “Really though, whatever you want to do is what you should do. I’m not looking to change you.”

“Nothing at all?” Jinse stretched out across the counter. He’d been paranoid about flirting with others around Xueye, especially after seeing his face the other night. If Xueye really did accept him, there was no one else he would want. Even his insatiable lust wouldn’t overpower that because it would all be for Xueye the moment he accepted him. However he recalled, just before Xueye spoke what Dr.Jingji had told him before about how it upset Xueye. He couldn’t push the subject without feeling guilty over causing Xueye more strife. “Actually forget it, I’m just being a pest.” Jinse sank further onto the surface of the counter.

“You aren’t,” Xueye placed his hand on Jinse’s head. Jinse glanced up to see the tenderest of smiles he’d ever seen from Xueye. “I want you to be you. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“You know you could kill a nation with that smile,” Jinse mumbled, quickly looking away, feeling heat rise in his cheeks.

“Maybe it’s a good thing it’s so rare then,” Xueye giggled as he wandered back into the seating room. His core was feeling a little tender as the subtle pain the numbness gave as the cloak melted away the chill was starting to get to him. He just wanted to sit for a bit and hope the ache passed soon.

“It shouldn’t be. I am glad to see it more often lately,” Jinse placed a hand on his head. Xueye tilted his head back to look up at him. Jinse could see the faintest signs of fatigue starting to take hold of Xueye. “You should rest. There’s plenty of time later to get you ready for tomorrow.”

“I am tired…” Xueye closed his eyes briefly. He wasn’t sure he could sleep with all the thoughts that he was barely keeping from surfacing but after sitting he could feel the exhaustion starting to take hold again. So much for that second wind… Xueye couldn’t help but think to himself.

“Then go sleep, or do you need me to carry you to bed?” Jinse smirked down at him as he leaned in closer, his hand shifting to the side of Xueye’s face. 

“N-no need!” Xueye stammered. Xueye wanted to look away but Jinse hooked his fingers beneath the young man’s chin. Xueye could see a dark, hungry look in those golden eyes, but only for a moment before it shifted to the faintest disappointment and then worry. Jinse’s hand switched to gently resting on Xueye’s shoulder, but now Xueye was concerned about what was going on because so many emotions flashed across Jinse’s face, “What’s wrong?”

“I just worry about you,” Jinse flashed a dispirited smile. He tried to pull his hand away but Xueye grabbed it before it went too far.

“Don’t lie to me,” Xueye’s brows furrowed.

“It’s not a lie,” Jinse’s eyes widened. He was speaking the truth, just this time it wasn’t for what Xueye thought and he obviously picked up on it. Jinse cursed his inability to hide his emotions and thoughts today. 

“But not the whole truth,” Xueye shifted his hold from Jinse’s wrist and down to his hand, intertwining their fingers. Jinse didn’t have the heart to pull away even if he felt he should.

“I just don’t know how to put this without scaring you…” Jinse looked so pathetically tortured by his own thoughts. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It hurts me more to see you upset like this,” Xueye squeezed his hand. Jinse could feel Xueye’s skin was growing cooler by the second and started panicking a little. 

“I’m just…!” Jinse found it hard to say the words but he didn’t know which was worse. “I worry about what I might do to you.” Xueye tensed and turned bright red. Jinse almost pulled his hand away but he wanted to ensure Xueye wasn’t still cold. The doctor said Xueye could rest so long as he wasn’t experiencing the cold spells. He just couldn’t look Xueye in the eye if he was going to try and explain further, “You cracked open a box that may be hard to close if you do decide to open it all the way. I want to respect your decision to wait but…” Jinse stole a glance at Xueye’s face and was surprised to see sympathy instead of trepidation or fear. He even realized Xueye’s cold skin was warming once more, likely because of the flushed expression that was just bringing all those lascivious thoughts to the surface once more. “That look isn’t helping…”

“Sorry!” Xueye tried to let go but Jinse held firm, stepping closer. Xueye’s heart was racing as Jinse drew closer. Xueye closed his eyes as he felt Jinse’s breath on his face. Shortly after an amused huff of breath from Jinse, there was a gentle pressure on Xueye’s forehead. He opened his eyes to see Jinse pulling away after kissing his forehead, with a gentle smile.

“I should be the one apologizing to you,” Jinse’s fond smile spread a warmth through Xueye’s chest. “You still should try and rest. I know it might be difficult now but at least lie down for a while. I might step out for a bit, fresh air and getting some things so I can cook for you later sounds like a good idea right now.”

“I’ll try…” Xueye really didn’t know how he was supposed to sleep after that. Now he couldn’t help but imagine what Jinse would do to him, let alone process why he’s disappointed in not allowing it.

Jinse reluctantly let go of Xueye’s hand, “I’ll be back soon. Don’t you dare leave this house.”

“Alright…” Xueye squeaked out softly, watching as Jinse snatched up Xueye’s keys before vanishing out the front door. Xueye immediately flopped down on the couch and buried his face into the pillow at the end, trying so hard not to combust or scream.

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